Dr. Laura: I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger, my number: 1-800-DR-LAURA. Brenda, welcome to the program.
Brenda: Hello, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call.
Dr. Laura: Thank you.
Brenda: I wanted to see what you would say. My daughter recently had a birthday, and I thought I bought her a beautiful gift, because she's a little spoiled and a little hard to please. Dr. Laura: What do you mean she's spoiled? Brenda: Well, she makes very good money, and she's very able to buy herself beautiful diamonds, Chanel rings, and whatever. Dr. Laura: Whoa, whoa. Brenda?
Brenda: Yeah?
Dr. Laura: What does that have to do with spoiled? If somebody earns the money, has the money, and wants to spend it on baubles, it doesn't make them spoiled. Brenda: Well, I sort of think it's a little bit beyond her means. I do. I think that money could go elsewhere.
Dr. Laura: You sort of think it's a little bit beyond her means? [laughter] That doesn't sound conclusive to me. Brenda: Well, I don't think she's in a position where she actually could afford some of the jewelry that she buys. Dr. Laura: Can she pay her bills?
Brenda: Yes.
Dr. Laura: Then she can afford it.
Brenda: Yes, I guess you're right. Dr. Laura: That's right. Brenda: Okay.
All right, so I went to go get her a very, very nice birthday gift, which was a beautiful-what I thought-strand of pearls with a little heart in it, and I was so excited to give it to her. I drove, actually, all the way to Las Vegas this weekend to present this little gift to her on Saturday, which was her birthday. And when she opened her gift, I just knew she didn't like it. Dr. Laura: I think you knew she didn't like it when you bought it. Brenda: What?
Dr. Laura: I said I think you knew she didn't like it when you bought it. Brenda: No, honestly, Dr. Laura, I said to myself, "Would I wear this?" and I said, "Yes, I would wear this." Dr. Laura: Yes, Brenda, but you're not spoiled. And you don't buy somebody a gift by asking yourself if you'd buy it. Brenda: Well, I just didn't think she would think it was good enough for her, and that's exactly what she thought. Dr. Laura: That's right, and you set this up. You could have bought her a beautiful plant, taken her out for a wonderful dinner. You set this up.
Brenda: Well, now she wants to come out and go with me and return it, and buy something that she would like to have. Would you feel hurt?
Dr. Laura: You're not learning a thing from me today. Brenda: I am trying.
Dr. Laura: You have resentment for your daughter. You bought her that, which you knew she wouldn't want, so you could further your resentment of- Brenda: I was hoping she would- Dr. Laura: Okay, Brenda, the point in calling me is to get my feedback. Brenda: Yes.
Dr. Laura: You don't have to buy it, I understand that. Brenda: Right.
Dr. Laura: But you've got to give me time. Brenda: Okay.
Dr. Laura: By virtue of how you came on talking about her, you resent your daughter. You resent what she has. And you went out and bought her what you knew would not be a piece of jewelry she would wear. And then you're playing the hurt mother. I think it's an ugly game you're playing, and at least she was up front with you, "This isn't exactly what I'd like, let's go together and pick out something I would like." I think you ought to be gracious about it, but first, we'd have to work on your resentment for your daughter. Brenda: Does it make a difference that when I bought- Dr. Laura: Do you want to tell me the core of your resentment? Brenda: Can I ask you this quickly?
Dr. Laura: No, you can't ask me anything until you answer my question. Brenda: Okay, what was your question?
Dr. Laura: See, you weren't listening. It was, "What is the core of your resentment for your daughter?" Brenda: Honestly, I don't feel I have any resentment. Dr. Laura: Okay, let's try it again. Make up something, even if you have to lie. What is the core of your resentment for your daughter? Lie to me, I mean, I take creativity.
Brenda: No, Dr. Laura, I swear to you, I don't. I love my daughter to death.
Dr. Laura: Okay, Brenda, I can't help you. You're not open. I think you ought to be gracious when she comes, help her pick out something she likes, have lunch, and get on with your life. I think it's going to be harder without looking at the reality of your resentment toward her, that she has more than you have. I think it's awful when a parent envies or is jealous of their child. I've seen it often, and it's one of the hardest things to admit. Generally speaking, we're happy when our kids are able to surpass us, because we contributed to that. We helped them become in a place where they could accomplish, or acquire, or whatever. So when we have resentment for our children, and we set them up, like I believe you set your daughter up, there's dynamics in there. When you're ready to look at it, call me back. I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger, I'll be right back.
